Westboro Baptist and Jonah Hill
Unlikely pair, wouldn’t you agree?
This week, Westboro Baptist hit the news for unlikely reasons. Singer Brad Paisley took the selfie you see above on his way to perform. Westboro showed up outside the venue to protest the sinfulness of his shows. Paisley showed up to play loud enough for them to hear the music from the outside.
Actor Jonah Hill found himself in hot water after making a derogatory comment to menacing paparazzi. I won’t rewrite the word, but let’s say it was something you wouldn’t want you momma reading on your Twitter. Mr. Hill went on record this week to publicly apologize for the remark, saying it was a “disgusting word” said in a moment of frustration.
Unfortunately for the both, the media has not been so kind. Public reaction, on the other hand, has. Comments, tags, posts, and blogs have buzzed about the sincerity of Mr. Hill’s apology and have extended him forgiveness. Westboro Baptist, on the other hand… well, we all know what the internet has to say about Westboro.
We also know what Westboro has to say about the internet, but that’s another story altogether.
Though on the surface the two stories share little to nothing in common, digging deeper we find they are actually standing on two sides of a fence, a fence we psychologists call the attribution theory.
The attribution theory is a theory that tries to explain how people make sense of others’ behaviors. Take, for example, a scout helping a little old lady across the street. When asked to describe the young man, we might say, “He was very kind.” Notice we didn’t say he was a scout. Nor did we even say he was helping the little old lady. We called him kind.
We associate the scout with kindness because of his actions. (This is called spontaneous trait inference, for all you nerds out there) Given a 1/10th second exposure to a picture of someone’s face, we will associate (or infer) a trait to them. Happy. Sad. Good. Creepy. Hot. Gay. All in 1/10th second.
So much for objectivity.
What does this have to do with Westboro and Mr. Hill? Consider the pictures above. What did you associate to Westboro after hearing their story?
What about Mr. Hill?
Chances are, you don’t have relationship with either, yet you and I find ourselves making judgements about their behavior and their image based on a couple of sentences and a picture. Why would it be any different for us?
In work, in life, in our family – as leaders – we are subject to attribution. People will attribute traits to us based on our actions. And when we goof up, how we respond can change the trait completely. The action we take changes the perception we will get. Notice how both Westboro and Mr. Hill did something socially naughty, yet one is publicly considered as “cruel” and the other considered “apologetic.”
As humans, we can’t always avoid messing up, but we can still do the right thing and own our mistake. Though it may not always get us out of the dog house, it may be the difference between “bigot” and “better.”
I wish all the best for Mr. Hill. It isn’t easy to own up to something socially unacceptable. And as for Westboro, I hope at least they enjoyed the concert.
“If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind…
“…then is an empty desk a sign?” -Einstein
In Manhattan on Broadway, there used to sit two magazine stores across the street from each other. One, a chain, put their Cosmopolitan magazine snugly and neatly next to their Fortunes. They had a powerful inventory system and training series that taught their employees how to make the most of their time with the customer. The other, owned by old Mr. Essam, haphazardly stocked his magazines without the aid of computer inventory or programs. He and his assistant operated from memory and straightened as best they could whenever they could. Can you guess which one survived?
Mr. Essam, of course.
This story is from Eric Abrahamson and David Freedman‘s smart and brilliant book, A Perfect Mess. They explain how mess makes the world a better place and why Mr. Essam is still in business. One reason was his lack of overhead – no profit eating computer system telling him what to do. The other, they explain, is mess.
I once worked with a young, startup company that had a beautiful business plan, great mission, clear values, neat goals. After they worked tirelessly for months to get the company off the ground, it sank like the Titanic. My diagnosis: they were too neat.
Though there’s something to be said about neatness, there’s a hidden benefit to mess, says Abrahamson and Freedman: flexibility.
Messy systems adapt and change more quickly, more dramatically, in a wider variety of ways, and with less effort. Neat systems tend to be more rigid and slower to respond to changing demands, unexpected events, and new information. – A Perfect Mess, page 77-78
Think about the messy improvisation of a jazz ensemble, or the chaotic and sometimes drunk-looking dance of a boxer. They aren’t at a loss; they are ready for change, whether in rhythm or response.
One of the biggest disasters an organization can commit with their mission statement is making it too neat and clean. A mission statement that does not make room for failure or change is, in itself, a failure. It lacks the flexibility life requires. Stuff happens. We have to adapt.
But think outside of work for a moment.
- What about your household rules like, “Always share, with everybody.”
- What about the unspoken family rules like, “We don’t fight.”
- What about relationship rules like, “I have to have a positive disposition, even when we fight.”
These rules might work for some or most things, but life is messy. Stuff happens. We have to adapt.
Teams – whether they are work teams or families – require allowances for mess. NOTE: they don’t require the mess to become a disaster! They do, however, have to expect the mess. Teams that don’t expect mess tend to get a little obsessive-compulsive: so obsessed in cleaning up each and every spill that they are compelled to ignore their primary objective.
So when setting goals for work, or for summer diet/exercise, or for your marriage, or for your kids/parents, focus on two things:
- What is my primary objective here?
- Am I willing to forgive myself when I mess up/Am I expecting to encounter mess?
Expect a little mess. Don’t let your obsession to have a perfect and neat mission get in the way of reaching your goals. Smile when messes happens. They are just reminding you that you are human!
I know what you’re going to say…
So don’t go there…
My wife and I sat at the dinner table arguing about something we’d not really argued about before. We’re sitting there going back and forth about this new thing and suddenly the feeling of familiarity strangely rolled over me. No, we had not argued about this issue before so it wasn’t the topic. I sensed that I was familiar with the direction.
To the unkeen eye, our arguments might seem sporadic and scatted, but they really have an ebb and flow to them. Yours do too. All of our arguments do. We get used to how we fight. Our “muscle memory” kicks in when we argue. We already know how it will end up…
So sometimes, we just don’t say anything.
It’s not the familiarity that kills our arguments; rather, it’s the fear. Arguments are uncomfortable. They cause tension and we decide not to bring anything up. So when we’re at work and we finally bring up that staffing issue we’ve been muttering to ourselves about for a month, people might respond with, “Wow. I had no idea that’s been bothering you.” When we finally tell our spouse we feel the relationship is stale, they might say, “Really? How long have you felt this way? Why haven’t you said anything?”
We didn’t say anything about the tension because we were afraid the argument would turn out the same way as it always does, and that hurts.
“But so-and-so and I argue all the time. Isn’t that conflict.” Fortune 500 consultant and smarty-pants Patrick Lencioni disagrees: “No. You have tension. But there is almost no constructive conflict. Passive, sarcastic comments are not the kind of conflict [we] are talking about.” (from the book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team)
You see it’s a lack of the conflict that’s a problem. Tolerance of bad behavior is where the problem lies. We should not tolerate the negativity in others, but we should especially not tolerate it within us.
So how do we fix the issue?
- Separate the person from the problem. You’re not mad at them. You’re not. You’re mad at the issue, perhaps that they caused. Separate the two.
- Bring it up. Focus on the facts and don’t call names. Just say something about it. “I don’t like A, B, or C. I want to fix this…”
- Change something. Anything. A small thing or two. Just change something. Bringing up an issue and choosing not to change anything within yourself is an act of selfishness. It is expecting someone else to do something you yourself won’t stand up and do, whether you know that or not. So change something.
My wife is the greatest. Sure we argue. We’ve spent our fair share of days living in the tension. But often she brings up the stuff I am often unwilling to voice. She helps us put an end to the negativity we might utter to ourselves and keep from the other. And besides, there’s no other person I can think of who can argue with me one minute and share a plate of cookies and milk the next.
I forgot to mention – cookies and milk help 100% of the time.
Good luck, friends. May you have a conflict-filled (and change-filled) week.
Congratulations to Kelsie Day on winning the $50 Amazon Giftcard!
Again, my sincerest, biggest thanks to all of you who helped me reach the Amazon bestsellers list. Because of your amazing efforts, we peaked at No. 16 on the Amazon War Fiction Bestsellers charts!
Thanks for helping me make a dream come true!